If you know me, you know that there isn’t a year that goes by that I don’t anxiously await the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. My calendar every year also used to be the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition calendar. I thought I was cool and guys thought I was cool. I wasn’t. What I was doing was continuously bombarding myself with unattainable and destructive goals.
The real reason why I always surrounded myself with gorgeous women was so that I could compare myself. Constantly. I am not sure why it took me almost 30 years to accept that I don’t have that kind of body, but it did. I would watch that fashion show every year not because they had cool lingerie (which they do, though I’m not sure how practical it would be), but so I could inspect every image I saw and compare it to my own body. I would use it as reinforcement for whatever I was doing at the time to manage my eating habits. I would use it to make myself feel bad because I didn’t look like that. Every reason I had for watching it was negative.
I never realized how full my brain was with negative thoughts of myself until I changed my thinking. I had horribly low self-esteem. For where all of that took me, check out my Journey to Health.
I don’t have a problem with people watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show; I have a problem with the way that I watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. I know that I have come a long way because I didn’t even know it was on last night until I was flipping through the channels. I used to look it up months in advance and put it on my calendar like somehow by that date I would also be a Victoria’s Secret Angel. I am very grateful that today I can accept myself the way that I am and actually understand my worth. It hasn’t been an overnight journey and it is by no means over, but for today I can say that I am worth the world.